This Ain’t Easy

This ain’t easy.

This is an answer I’ve given to loved ones as to why I struggle.

It seems to be in jest but really it stems from a broken heart that is drowning in the pain of addiction and is screaming out for help.

It is easy to write off the answer “This ain’t easy” as an excuse or an arrogant, defensive reply seemingly saying “You don’t get it!”

The problem is that this type of answer pushes away loved ones and puts up a barrier that further pushes the addict further down the rabbit hole of porn. This answer is so flippant that it fails to describe the depths of agony of the addict and turns off the potential supporter.

For the addict, it puts you on an island of protection, where your chances of recovery deteriorate even further. You have basically burned all bridges and made yourself a one-man army without any weapons or hope of survival.

Problem is This ain’t easy

Is a true answer.

It stems from a heart of pain in most cases (including mine).

When someone looks you in the eye, calls you a pervert and tells you bluntly,

“Why can’t you just quit?”

All words fail you. Your heart breaks inside your chest and tears well in your eyes. You can’t believe the lack of sympathy and deep inside bitterness grows, putting up a wall between you and that person.

It shatters you to your very core.

That happened to me.

I had two choices: I could hide or I could persevere and find others who could help me.

I hid.

I choose to allow the lie a human told me to pervade my mind and drown out the voice of God.

A voice that promised victory and peace.

But that was a much harder road to walk. That required sacrifice and the personal deprivation of self-satisfaction. I didn’t want to win.

Hiding behind an excuse (no matter how heart-felt its origins) is safe. Its comfortable.

But we, as men of God, are called to so much more.

Excuses like that don’t cut it.

Our Lord and Savior looked death in the face and cried tears of blood to His Father asking if there was another way. But then, He obeyed. That is the example we need to follow.

I would encourage all of you, especially the ladies, to understand the deep pain and hurt that lies behind the addiction to porn. Many men are addicted to the pleasure, and it doesn’t excuse their degraded view of women or their self-indulgence despite knowing better, but many of us are just broken men in need of support.

I’m not asking you to approve the behavior but many of us need to know that we aren’t perverts.

We already know that we’re broken. We already know how disgusting our behavior is to you. We already know that we need to change.

We want to change.

We just don’t know how.

We feel every tear so acutely. Every time we stumble, its like a knife digging deep inside our soul. We can’t even begin to explain just how badly it hurts to hurt those we love. Every mistake is etched in our minds and we ask ourselves “Why isn’t this easy?” “Why can’t we just overcome?”

No one understands better than us how sinful our behavior is.

We need people to kick us in the butts. Challenge us. Hold us accountable. To look us in the eye and say, “You know this isn’t right.”

But there are other times where your judgment just pushes us farther in.

Your hurtful words, stemming from your own broken heart (a break we caused), destroys us. Makes us feel like we are truly nothing.

It makes us feel so alone.

Then we seek the comfort of a companion who never complains. Never judges. Never asks anything of us.

We cowardly follow the temptress.

We give in to our sinful lusts. Actions that are in no way, shape or form, acceptable. But that is the only option we see before us.

We know it to be a lie and yet we fall right in.

All I ask is

Please don’t push us farther in.

This ain’t easy. This ain’t simple.

We, as addicts, have to change.

We know, deep, deep down, that we absolute, unequivocallyneed to change.

We know that we are on a path of no return where the only outcome is us being totally alone. We know that at some point the support is going to end. Our loved ones are going to leave us (as they rightfully should). Our addiction is going to keep growing and will, soon, overwhelm our work life and spiritual life. And growth into our spiritual life starts far earlier than we realize. A sure sign of our inability to actually feel anything spiritually.

I know this path isn’t an easy one. But I know it is the only path before my feet that doesn’t end in ruin.

This is #Day2 and This Ain’t Easy.