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More Questions than Answers

The tone of my thoughts,

The pace set by my emotions,

Steadily heads towards the realm of uncertainty.

I have asked these questions before

And I’ve never been less certain of the answers.

Why God did I have take this path?

Was this pain planned in sovereignty?

I didn’t want to be broken and betrayed

Once,

Let alone twice.

I didn’t want to lose, who I thought,

Was my soul mate.

I didn’t want to open myself up

Only to have a fresh twist

On an old betrayal.

Once so naive about love,

Now helplessly jaded,

And slightly afraid.

Vision of the past

Don’t seem to fade,

I wish for reconciliation,

The only thing to make everything all right.

I will bend, almost until I break,

To make things right,

When its not my fault everything went so wrong.

Why does life have to be so hard?

Why why why why?

I ask the question over and over again,

Without an answer from the skies.

Why are you silent tonight?

Where were you when I prayed?

I asked, I pleaded to know

What your will was,

But I never wanted this.

Why did you take me to such familiar territory?

Why did we have to go here?

Don’t you know, Lord,

This is the realm of my fears.

I was here once and was destroyed,

So what reason could you possibly have

For a return trip?

I am losing faith

In the concept of love.

I am tender-hearted

And I have been hurt,

Left with more questions than answers.

I’m told I’m kind,

I’m told I’m gentle,

I’m told I’m a great guy.

All beautiful words,

That don’t soothe the feeling of loneliness

That creeps in when the light fades into night

And I’m left to wonder about my life.

Doesn’t help me

When I wonder why I wasn’t good enough to keep.

Why did he have

That I couldn’t give?

What could I have said differently

To persuade you to stay?

What could I have done differently

To keep myself from being betrayed?

Why do I care so much

If you’re hurt, sad, or confused?

Why can’t I accept circumstance

And not rail against fate?

I’m left with only tears

And questions without answers.

Reminders of the past,

Pop up like putrid flowers

In the cemetery of my past relationships.

I understand the doom and gloom

Of my seemingly hopeless words,

But sometimes the night seems endless,

And the light so far away.

I’m stuck in the moment,

Not understanding the grander plan.

I want to obey,

And seek your face.

But failure after failure

Have slowed my step a pace.

Anger, bitterness, and salty tears

Make me hesitant to step out in faith.

I’m sorry, Lord,

I wish I was stronger,

But I’m just a broken man.

I haven’t faced the devil himself,

But I’ve met his devils

And they’ve done fine work.

I want to persevere

I never want to step back,

But, Lord, I’m tired.

I’m tired of being alone.

I’m tired of making mistakes.

I’m tired of being betrayed.

Why can’t this be easy?

Why can’t you shout in my ear

Shatter my eardrum with good news?

More questions than answers.

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About boughtbygrace

I am college senior at Arizona Christianity University, majoring in Biblical Studies. So, yes, I am a Christian. This is something you can agree with or not, but is an integral part of who I am and cannot be separated from any other part of my life. This blog will vary between Christian thoughts, encouragements, and posts on various topics I'm thinking about or struggling with and posts concerning the novels I'm writing. Sprinkled in will be additional miscellaneous posts that may be a poem or a review of a movie, tv show, or anime that I liked. I am an amateur writer and I've almost finished my first novel entitled "Graveyard of Dreams". I have ten to fifteen other titles I plan on writing, ranging from Sci-fi to Fantasy to psychological horror to dramatic character pieces (those will probably novellas). I also write a lot of poetry that I also hope to publish. I don't write in one genre but I do have a distinct style that focuses on character development and unique situations with a lot of action. When I write, I emphasize the everyday human traits and reactions that make us who we are. That is what I believe makes a great story. Setting must match the story of course, and isn't less important, but if you can't identify with the characters,the story will always fall flat. I blog because Facebook and Twitter don't allow for full thoughts and the Notes application on Facebook on is a burdensome system that doesn't allow for friends,family, and (hopefully) future fans/subscribers to follow me over a series of weeks and months. I started a blog that will, at some point, be a temporary hub for updates and news on my writing, until the time comes for a permanent home on a website (we'll see). I wanted a place I can freely interact with fans and friends (in conjunction with a Youtube page I plan on starting) in a way that I can glean good, constructive feedback on my novels. Also, it is a great opportunity to fuel interest in my works and generate creative expression on the part of the fans. These are goals and dreams that I hope to make a reality in the near future. Until then, I am simple a man who wishes to make my inner thoughts privy to the world's ears.

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