When I originally started to write this post, I could feel the depression sinking and taking hold. No good reason to be so melancholy or so dramatic. So I started to write and I could feel the sadness and self-pity seeping into every word. I could feel the emo-side of me trying to get attention and get some comfort. I mean, that is why you post really melancholy things at times. At least, that’s true for me.
But then I sat back and realized how pathetic I was being. Yeah, I had to pour out a substantial portion of my savings to fix my car. Yeah, I wish two months flew by and I was already graduated. Yeah, I wish I had a different job, one that I really loved. BUT who I am when things aren’t going right is going to decide what my future looks like. If I get that “dream job” and the job gets hard, am I going to stick it through or cave like I am now? Do I wish I had someone to comfort me? Absolutely. But right now, the Lord is that comfort. I don’t need to turn to others, no matter how much I would like that.
We all have times in our lives where we need the support of others, and that is why the Lord puts them in our lives. But (there are a lot of those in this post) they aren’t the answer to our problems and they should never be our savior. We put people on a pedestal that they should never have to stand on. People should never be given that burden. And I have in the past, used others to soothe my frustrations and issues, putting a burden on them that they shouldn’t have to bear. And I refuse to do that again.
I’ve learned, both through trails and error, that if I want to be a good boyfriend and future husband and father, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. And when I fall, I need to turn to the Lord first and then my spouse. If I get that order reversed, I will wear her down and wear her out. It creates an unhealthy relationship and I have no desire to experience that or introduce that type of behavior into a relationship.
The lies I buy into, shape how I view my day and my situation. I buy into the lies that “I’m alone”, “No one cares”, and “I’m nobody special.” I understand why others feel like that and I constantly attempt to persuade them that it just isn’t true. However (that’s a fancy but), do I believe my own propaganda? Do I allow my own advice to permeate my soul and really change me for the better? When faced with the lies that I constantly face, what do I do to combat it? Do I shrink inside of myself and over-analyze my day? Magnifying the bad and ignoring the good?
If I want to change my outlook, I have to change my thinking. When I try to fill the Christ-shaped hole in my heart (one that is still healing from an improper transplant where I replaced Christ with a person and my body rejected it), I experience loneliness, despair, and depression. When I allow God to speak truth to me and give me peace, through His gentle voice and through people, I still experience those same emotions but I understand what they truly are and what place they have in my life. The same circumstances and tribulations will come but its not what happens that decides my attitude, its how I respond.
The title of this blog started out as a whiny poem but when I realized how silly I was being, I changed my tune and completely erased the poem. However, I’m going to leave the title as a reminder to myself of what happens when we focus on the what-ifs and our selfish wants. “It would be nice” if everything went my way, but that’s not how it works. “It would be nice” if relationships were simple and girls were easy to understand, but they’re not and they aren’t supposed to be easy or simple. “It would be nice” but I understand that nothing is as bad as I make it and nothing is as dire as it seems.
It would be nice, if everything made sense, wouldn’t it? But then I could never solve the jigsaw puzzle.